Dating for validation not genuine connection
A writer who spent years going through the dating scene in New York City realized they were dating for validation, not connection. After an eight-year relationship and a rebound that left emotional scars, this person spent years going on dates, meeting people, and staying open, but it felt like going through the motions.
The writer started to notice a pattern: they treated dates like auditions, showing up polished and engaged, but rarely stopping to ask if they truly liked the other person. This behavior, according to therapists, is a subtle but significant distinction, often rooted in the need to feel chosen rather than the desire to truly know someone.
Signs of Validation-Driven Dating
Dating experts point out several red flags that indicate someone might be seeking companionship for the wrong reasons. One sign is when a person thinks more about having a partner than being with the specific individual they’re dating. As Moe Ari Brown, LMFT, therapist and Hinge’s in-house Love and Connection Expert, explains, genuine interest feels grounded in the person themselves, not a fantasy or flattened version.
Another sign is when the connection feels strong in person but lacking when apart. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, notes that this can reflect “performative chemistry,” where the connection is heightened in the moment but not supported by real emotional investment.
Some people might also overshare emotionally early on to create a sense of closeness. Dr. Romanoff notes that oversharing or rushing emotional and physical intimacy can create the illusion of connection without substance. This early intensity can feel meaningful but is often driven by the desire for immediate validation rather than trust.
By acknowledging the distinction between dating for validation and dating for connection, individuals can begin to shift their behavior and focus on building meaningful relationships.
In the context of dating, it’s essential to consider why people engage in validation-driven behavior. One possible explanation is that it stems from a deep-seated need for affirmation and self-worth. When individuals prioritize validation over connection, they may be seeking external validation to compensate for feelings of inadequacy or low self-esteem.
One of the key signs of validation-driven dating is inconsistency, where interest spikes at certain moments and then fades quickly. Dr. Romanoff describes this pattern as fluctuating between “highs and lows,” where engagement is driven more by internal needs than sustained interest in the other person. When connection is the goal, effort tends to be steady; when validation is the goal, it often comes in waves.
Breaking the Cycle
To shift their behavior, individuals can start by asking themselves simple questions. They can ask if they feel at ease around the other person, if they are curious about them, or if they feel like they can be themselves. By anchoring into their own experience, they can reduce the power of external validation.
It can also be helpful to imagine that no one else’s opinion matters. This can involve stripping away the “audience” in their decision-making and asking themselves if they would still be interested in the same people. Often, validation-driven dating shows up as choosing people who look good on paper but don’t feel good in practice.
